My Black Chamber - A Story

            

            I promised myself there and then that I would never set foot in that place again. Because it was dark… too dark. And I was scared of it.

          The darkness seemed to weigh upon my soul though it was not a colour, but a burden. Dull sounds were ringing in my head, making it hurt. I wanted them to stop so badly but somehow I knew that the silence would have taken me away forever. The only thing I could do was to endure it.  

          I guess that the reason why I decided to step in that cold and hostile place was the fact that once, I felt something which I recognized as a desire to free myself from the walls I alone built. So I entered.  I stumbled, but did not fall. I looked for windows but light was nowhere to be found. There were only pictures on the walls, a lot of them, full of frozen faces who were staring at me with their blank, emotionless eyes… Was it me on those pictures? My mind was entangled in one of those moments when you wait for the next one impatiently, hearing its whisper, but knowing it will be something terrifying. My feelings were all around me, wanting to punish me for my treason, for burying them deeply in that frightening place and forgetting about them completely; for my escapism from reality. I felt like crying. But I didn’t. So it just hurt more. I really tried to find the window, but I couldn’t. Not only one. There was just darkness… and those empty eyes which haunted me. Every glare from them felt like a drop of asphalt rain. I learnt to scream just for the pain of it, I learnt to break my bones as a hobby, I learnt to crawl and beg, but I couldn’t be forgiven.  At least not by my reflection in them, so hollow and accusing while looking at me as if I were the embodiment of misery, and not by that wretched place which knew all my deepest fears. 

          I left slowly. As I was walking back to numbness I was followed by trails of blood. Having that noticed I wiped my feet carefully because I didn’t want to find the way to my Heart ever again. 

          Long time ago I created my own kingdom of twilight where I was never to enter. But that day I did. That day I wanted to change myself, to become something other than a phlegmatic doll. I couldn’t bear it, so I failed. That day seems so far away now. And simply knowing that makes me feel safe… and comfortable.